Lil Johanna and Some thoughts...

 @ 25 weeks

@20 weeks

 

 

28 weeks finally today. Been having lots of contractions, both painful and painless ones. Pelvic area is having a lot of pressure. But comparing to my pregnancy during Nigel's time, it is a lot easier.

 

Tonight, I am feeling all alone and really depressed. Somehow, she knows it. While my hand was on my tummy, she placed her hand there right on the spot where my hand is and left it there for a long time as if to comfort me and to tell me that she is there for me. Cos of this, I finally manage to calm down. 

 

I hope I can be a good Mummy to her and Nigel. Things aren't going well at all.  At first, I decided that no negative post will be on this blog, but maybe, it is good to let the Kids to know what is happening instead of hiding everything. My world seem to be crumbling. Poor Johanna is suffering with me. I am trying to shield Nigel away from it as much as I could but there are some people just don't understand that. Now I just hope I am strong enough to weather thru it all and deliver Johanna safety. Stress can cause Preterm delivery which I am already in danger of physically minus the Stress and depression. And now with the added Stress and my emotional state of mind, I really do not know how long I can keep her inside. Some people around me doesn't seem to understand that Stress and Problems are bad for pregnant woman especially pregnant woman with complications. Maybe they don't really care whether Johanna is born safe and healthy. Something which I am feeling around me from Day1 of the pregnancy. I am finally trying to think positively for the past 2 weeks for the kids' sake and stop caring about what the world is thinking about me, but I have too much negative emotions around me. Just one issue after another and with people adding fuel to the fire.. I can't do much. Most of the time, I try to keep a smile on my face and not argue, people think I take things lightly and don't seem to care. They don't understand that I am trying not to upset Nigel. He has been thru a lot for his tender age already. When I am sad, he knows and will be sad too. I am really sorry that I could not provide a better environment for the kids to grow up in. I am at a lost of what to do now.. I am really exhausted, tired of planning and when it fails, it is my fault entirely even if the situation is beyond my control, tired of being blamed for everything cos I am tired of explaining and just let everyone think what they want, tired of fighting back and being told I am unreasonable when I just wan the kids to be in a safe and clean environment, tired of being called low EQ cos I shout to stop something dangerous from happening to Nigel, tired of being called unwilling to work when i lose my job and not cos  I didn't want to work despite having pregnancy complications and rushing to and fro to take care of everything else, I am now just tired of life in fact. If not for the kids.. SighS.. I agree I am not a capable person, I am not smart, I don't try my best, I am too negative, I complain too much, I have lost my self-confident, I have no directions in life, I have horrible EQ and not likable cos I dun know how to act act, I am too straight forward and stubborn. But it doesn't help that I get lashed at, fingers pointing at me all the time, daggers stabbing on my back when I am trying to get back on my feet.  I don't need people to create more problems on top of my problems, being told I am lousy and useless, people creating stories when they don't know what is going on. What I really need now is positivity, encouragement and a big hug. Which thankfully I am getting from Nigel.. for the rest of the world, Is that too much to ask for?