Lil Johanna and Some thoughts...

 @ 25 weeks

@20 weeks

 

 

28 weeks finally today. Been having lots of contractions, both painful and painless ones. Pelvic area is having a lot of pressure. But comparing to my pregnancy during Nigel's time, it is a lot easier.

 

Tonight, I am feeling all alone and really depressed. Somehow, she knows it. While my hand was on my tummy, she placed her hand there right on the spot where my hand is and left it there for a long time as if to comfort me and to tell me that she is there for me. Cos of this, I finally manage to calm down. 

 

I hope I can be a good Mummy to her and Nigel. Things aren't going well at all.  At first, I decided that no negative post will be on this blog, but maybe, it is good to let the Kids to know what is happening instead of hiding everything. My world seem to be crumbling. Poor Johanna is suffering with me. I am trying to shield Nigel away from it as much as I could but there are some people just don't understand that. Now I just hope I am strong enough to weather thru it all and deliver Johanna safety. Stress can cause Preterm delivery which I am already in danger of physically minus the Stress and depression. And now with the added Stress and my emotional state of mind, I really do not know how long I can keep her inside. Some people around me doesn't seem to understand that Stress and Problems are bad for pregnant woman especially pregnant woman with complications. Maybe they don't really care whether Johanna is born safe and healthy. Something which I am feeling around me from Day1 of the pregnancy. I am finally trying to think positively for the past 2 weeks for the kids' sake and stop caring about what the world is thinking about me, but I have too much negative emotions around me. Just one issue after another and with people adding fuel to the fire.. I can't do much. Most of the time, I try to keep a smile on my face and not argue, people think I take things lightly and don't seem to care. They don't understand that I am trying not to upset Nigel. He has been thru a lot for his tender age already. When I am sad, he knows and will be sad too. I am really sorry that I could not provide a better environment for the kids to grow up in. I am at a lost of what to do now.. I am really exhausted, tired of planning and when it fails, it is my fault entirely even if the situation is beyond my control, tired of being blamed for everything cos I am tired of explaining and just let everyone think what they want, tired of fighting back and being told I am unreasonable when I just wan the kids to be in a safe and clean environment, tired of being called low EQ cos I shout to stop something dangerous from happening to Nigel, tired of being called unwilling to work when i lose my job and not cos  I didn't want to work despite having pregnancy complications and rushing to and fro to take care of everything else, I am now just tired of life in fact. If not for the kids.. SighS.. I agree I am not a capable person, I am not smart, I don't try my best, I am too negative, I complain too much, I have lost my self-confident, I have no directions in life, I have horrible EQ and not likable cos I dun know how to act act, I am too straight forward and stubborn. But it doesn't help that I get lashed at, fingers pointing at me all the time, daggers stabbing on my back when I am trying to get back on my feet.  I don't need people to create more problems on top of my problems, being told I am lousy and useless, people creating stories when they don't know what is going on. What I really need now is positivity, encouragement and a big hug. Which thankfully I am getting from Nigel.. for the rest of the world, Is that too much to ask for?

Penny for my Thoughts .... Family Time Vs Work Time

Something went through my mind today regarding our society's family versus work life. I have realized that as working mothers, we spent at least 8 days per day at work. By the time we reach home, we get to spent only at most 2 to 3 hours with our kids before they sleep... If there is overtime, then sometimes, we don't even get to spend any time at all with our kids. Our kids properly know their caretakers more than their mums. And we mums properly understand our colleagues more than our kids. 


My mum made a comment 2 days ago that I am not a very good mother. I can't cook stuff that Nigel likes to eat. My mum prepare all his food. I don't really understand some of his gestures like my mum does. I am studying at NIE now, so it's a 4 hours trip for me to go to NIE and by the time I am home will be around 7, Nigel's bedtime is at 9. So effectively, by the time I take a bathe, taken my dinner, I spent around one and a half hours with Nigel only. It is really scary how little time I spend with Nigel. Family time is even less. Shawn mostly has appointment at night, like today... 1014pm and he is still not home yet. He only spend 5 minutes with Nigel and off he goes to work. Even weekends he have to work! Like on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. I had to make a prior appointment with him on Sat as Family Day! But what to do, his job requires him to do all this stuff plus his boss... well... Haiz ... Not everyone understands the value of Family Time. 


Most families in Singapore are like mine. Most of the time, both parents are working and kids have to be taken care either by grandparents if they are lucky otherwise will be maids, babysitters or childcare centers. In the past, mothers mostly are housewives while husbands are sole breadwinners. But due to huge increase in everything else except our salary, both parents have to work now, unless the other half is earning a lot. So kids nowadays are pretty spoilt. It 's a sad reality. Our future generations will be very different from our time. For in instance, in a mrt or bus, it is the 40plus year old people that actually give up their seats and not the students !! Most of the students now are not taught moral values, they are just focused on studies. Parents do not have time to impart values to their kids as kids spent a lot more time with caretakers who are just there to make sure they are fed, they do their homework and that's all. 


Though I know Nigel will be well taken care of under my mum's strict guidance but I feel as a mother, I should spend more time with him. He doesn't even want to address me as mummy, honestly I don't think he feel that I am his mum. So I took the plunge, suffer a 1k paycut and change my job. Now due to studies, I am really busy but once everything is settled, things will be better as least my job will be more flexible and I can bring my work home to do. And today, Nigel look at me and call me "Mummy" !!!! Definitely worth it !! 

Goats' milk

Before Nigel was born, Shawn & Moi have decided on Goats' milk. Why?? For many reasons, it's proteins is closer to humans therefore easier to absorb, less digestion problems. Less artificial ingredients, nowadays cows' milk has lots of weird stuff added in to supposedly boast immunity & brain power which I don't really believe in. Made in New Zealand not China! I need not elaborate on that. Plus Nigel does not take well to cows' milk.
But cost wise is a lot higher. $25 for 400g, for stage 1 & 2.. But thanks to my buddy, Meiying, she found a shop at Rivervale plaza which sells one tin @ $20! We fed him stage 1 till he's 1 years old as per advice by Dr Teoh. Then stage 2 till 18 mths. Now he's on stage 3 luckily stage 3 is available in bigger tins $48 outside, at Plaza is @ $38.
Benefits of feeding him goats' milk is pretty obvious. He is very healthy, seldom fall sick. He recovers from cuts & bruises faster. His body's density is lot higher.

Penny for my Thought: Lil Nigel started School

I have started Nigel at Little Neuro Tree at Hougang Branch. Little Neuro Tree Pte Ltd is a Singapore-based early childhood enrichment educator, which specializes in neuro-linguistic brain stimulation and development for children.
http://www.littleneurotree.com/

Cost: $550 for 12 lessons (weekdays). It's every Friday, from 1030 to 1130. He had his first lesson yesterday. It was in Japanese. There are 5 babies in his class. 3 girls and 2 boys. Oldest is 13 mths and youngest is 8mths. All in all, it went well. Nigel is responsive and attentive. He was dancing and clapping. Only thing is he refuse to return the learning tools after we are done ! And he took the eggs and throw at his teacher !! Hmmzz... There are also a small fight going on with him and the Lil 8 mths old Baby Girl beside him.. I thought he will be exhausted after the lesson as it was his nap time but instead he was even more energetic.

Many people think I am a little mad to bring him to school at 9mths. Actually, I wanted to start even younger but had no time. In fact, I'm already looking around for a playschool for him. Shawn and I have decided to go for Character Montessori.
http://www.cm-preschool.com/
Cost wise, $652.50/mth after Govt subsidy. He's going to start either Dec or Jan2011. It's really popular so Shawn and I have to book a space in advance for him.

Why so Kiasu? For language and right brain development, it's important to start at a young age as they can absorb faster. Before the age of 6, kids will be mainly using their Right Brain which is creativity, long term memory, language skills, etc. After that, will be left brain. My aim is to build a strong foundation for him so it's easier for him to learn. Also, for Character Montessori, the teachers teach the kids not only their ABCs but patience too. Shawn and I are pretty impressed with the kids there. They actually keep their toys properly, go to the toilet on their own, wash their hands and throw the rubbish away !!! If Nigel can behave like them, definitely worth every penny !!

Nigel is one smart Baby. He learns new things really fast. I just want to maximise his potential. But I don't need him to be a top student in class or get a PHD. Most important things is he enjoys learning. If he's unhappy in the class, I will definitely not force him to go. I just hope that these classes that I'm sending him to (and paying for fortune) will help him to be able to help him cope better in future. Of cos I will not cramp so much classes for him !! I wan him to enjoy his childhood. You are only a kid once. Anyway, the next school I'm looking for will be TaiChi for Kids.... hehehe .... Health is really important too. It's important to start him at a young age and TaiChi will teach him patience and to relax.

A Penny for my thought: What should I do now ?

Nigel is not around tonight. Bunking over at my Mum's cos I'm sick and also tired. But somehow unable to sleep. Too many thoughts running thru my Brain. Maybe by penning it down, I will be more relax. Quite a few Major stuffs going on at the same time. Lots of uncertainty, Lots of Risk and Lots of Planning to do which is still yet to be done.
One major issue is of Cos Money. My family situation is pretty bad in a way. My Dad just lost his job due to a certain corrupted overseas G*** (which I better not mention, dun wan to get arrested). My second Sis is also jobless. My brother is starting his Uni soon. My mum lost her babysitting job. So only Me and my Youngest Sister is working. Plus the new Biz is going to be up and running. Some of my Spare cash have to be going to the Biz.
Another Issue is Time. It's hard to have a full time job and do so many things at one go. Just this week alone. I had to co-ordinate a few orders while working my my full time job. On Monday, I was bathing Cranky Nigel and at the same time trying to co-ordinate some last min deliveries ! Plus my Full Time job is not smooth sailing. Got 2 fraud case, appointment and order problem. Can't even spend my off days in peace from work. I even had nightmares ! Just yesterday, I had nightmare about my stupid Job !! MioHome, Appointments, bad customers all at one go !! Had a bad headache when I woke up. Luckily, Nigel was smiling at me. So all is Bliss again. So Shawn and I decided that One of Us may have to quit. But Who ?? Not a easy decision. Shawn's Job is getting worst. Lots of Overtime, Loads of work, Pay getting lesser Plus Lots of people resign, and A Horrible Top management who have nothing better to do but come up with crazy policies. But Shawn is still Fine with his Job. For Me, pay is more or less stable. But I hate my Job. From the Business aspect, Shawn is good with getting more sales and brands. For me, I'm better at planning and logistics. So How ? SighS.
It seems like a really bad time to start a new business which none of us has experience in except for Shawn's Sister, Julie. Most of my family being jobless and with Nigel to feed. It seems like a big risk to take now. But it's a golden chance with a big potential to grow. A chance which will allow all of us to be release from our current situation. Too much at stake to give up but also much to loss if fail. Will The Lotus Bloom or Wither? I guess it's really up to all of us involved in this to give it our best shot. I believe in Fate. I guess there is a reason why bad things are happening together. It could be a blessing actually. To push us forward cos we can't look backwards anymore. May the Lotus Bloom....

Penny for my Thoughts .. Our Younger Generation

Just Yesterday, a 15 yr old just said to me " Aren't you going to apologise to me?" I was totally shocked. The Mobile Phone she wanted was out of stock and she wan me to apologise to her. Like it's any fault of mine ! Like Mother Like Daughter.. I can tell her mum is also one of a kind. Just for the sake of peace, I apologise on behalf of my company. In my many years of working in the telco industry, it's the first time anyone ask that of me and a young kid !! OMG !! In my line of work, I met with loads of people everyday. I have seen all kinds of characters. But what shock me is our younger Generations. Lots of them are rude, full of themselves and act like they own the whole world. I have met many who scold their parents in front of me, calling them stuipd and stuff.. I even met one mother who beg me to ask her son to get a cheaper phone cos she has no money. It's really terrible. If it's my mum, she would have just slap me on the spot !!! Another incident which I could not forget was these 2 girls, I ask them which are they looking for in a phone since they can't decide what they want. They rudely said "Obviously can call and sms!!!" ..... Another incident which happen recently, Shawn was in a lift with a teenager and his mum, he was scolding his mum all the foul languages and the mum just kept quiet !! My mum would have throw me out of the house !!

Why are our younger generation behaving this way ???
I notice a pattern. Most of the parents are actually pretty old. Older than my mum and dad. So I think they tend to dote and pamper them too much. So the kids tend to climb all over their parents thus do not know what is "Respect".
Singaporeans' way of life is a big problem. Too busy working to tend to their kids, so most of the time their kids are left in the childcare, nanny or grandparents. As caretakers, most of them would not really discipline the kids. They are just focus on the kids physical well-being.
"Weekend Parents". Only spending "quantity" time with their children during the weekends. During this time, there is no time to disciplines their children. Mainly will be spent doing homework, going out shopping and stuff.
Also, too much focus on studies. Everything is about getting top in class, getting As. And plus reward system.." If you get top in class, I will give you this and that" No much time spend on their spiritual development.
And lastly, the new way of teaching kids. "Shouldn't beat them, should just tell them what is wrong and explain to them". I have seem many parents who is using that method. It's a total disaster. I known a few of them myself. I'm definitely not using this method. I do believe in " Sparing the rod and spoil the child".

Looking at the Lil Man is sleeping peacefully like a Lil Angel. I wonder will he grow up to be a menace like those kids. I'm also an "old" parent and I'm too busy working to spend time with the Lil Man. Will I become one of the parents that let him climb all over me ??
I'm trying to learn from my parents. They did a good job of bringing me up. My mum is housewife. So she had the time to discipline my siblings and I. She definitely is a firm believer of the cane !! My dad would come home and spend the time with us every evening. They don't pressure us on our studies. As long as we try our best, it's good enough for my parents. Most important is for them is that we respect our elders and is happy. My parents seldom quarrel too.
Shawn and I agree that we will bring Nigel up the old way.
Definitely discipline him when he's naughty. Of cos we will explain to him why it's wrong but sometimes, they are really too young to understand. Dr Teoh told me on my previous visit :"It's important to show them why it's wrong to do certain things, Just let him touch the hot kettle and he will learn why he should not touch it" Nigel is one inquisitive baby. He want to touch everything and anything. My dad noticed that once you let him touch it, he will be happy and not insist on touching it again.
Focus more on his well being and health too. Swimming and music lessons are my focus now. Studies-wise, no point forcing him to the top and get all As. Most important is that he's happy. Of cos, Job-wise, Shawn finally decided that he need a job change. He's been coming home really late since the launch of Iphone (4.30Am on the first day !! ) and gets only one Off day a week. As for Moi, working towards my Internet biz. So hopefully, Shawn and I will not be one of those weekends parents. Right now, Thanks Guan Yi that my parents are taking care of him now. They definitely will love and discipline the Lil Man. And Lil Man loves them very muchy too !